Radical uncertainty is something that I have been really struggling with during the past 8 weeks. A huge part of my uncertainty derives from me not knowing what the future will hold: When we will reopen the economy? And, even when we do, what will it look like? As my uncertainty continues with no end to the current pandemic in sight, these are questions that are beginning to raise a great deal of anxiety for me.
I have begun to question if the stay at home order is truly helping, and if it is– at what cost to our overall society? Going down this line of thought, I then judge myself for thinking that our overall economic viability as a country is more important than people’s lives. Thinking like this inevitably makes me feel guilty, because what if those lives are my children’s?
I like to believe that if I knew with greater certainty that the measures in place were saving lives, I would not feel nearly as distressed by the uncertainty. Even as I write these words, I do so with trepidation, as I am concerned that I may be judged as unkind, uncaring, money-hungry, or lacking a moral compass. I am none of those things. What I really am is scared.
What I have learned from this situation is that change is very scary, and that fear of financial insecurity remains a huge trauma-point for me. Lately, it has become very clear to me that these fears are something that I must continue working diligently on.
Before COVID-10, I had lived under the guise of there being explicit certainties in the world. I now recognize this assumption as being flawed and untrue; in truth, there have never been any certainties to speak of.
Through my fear and uncertainty, I have experienced newfound compassion for those unfortunate people suffering through unexpected tragedies; I now understand that they live their lives in a constant state of doubt, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My contemplation this week has been: Now that I know the concern and I am familiar with the problem at hand, what is the solution? How do I fix it?
Now, more than ever, I choose to turn to my faith. Sure, I have chosen at times to question God, yet I trust that he ultimately runs the world, and that he sees the greater picture. I am able to have faith in that even though I do not know what the greater picture is, there must exist a reason for all of this misery and destruction taking place.
I have begun a daily meditation and prayer practice, during which I turn to God, and ask him for the necessary strength to maintain my faith– that no matter what, I will be okay. Some days, I choose to believe that no matter what, it will be what it will be, and my worry doesn’t serve me.This is much easier said than done.
Through my own practice, I have become interested in how others deal with instability and unpredictability, and I would love to hear your feedback.
How do you deal with uncertainty? What is your belief and guidance that helps you get through trying times? How do you decide the best way to handle your doubts and move forward?
This week, I would really like to know what you are doing to remain sane. I want to know how you continue thinking positively when surrounded by uncertainty. And especially, how do you deal with moral consternation when your morals contradict your desires?
Accountability, Community, Unconditional Love