I’ve been thinking about when someone you love—or for that matter, someone you supervise, specifically a child—messes up. A simple example would be a child literally ignoring a test, not preparing at all, and scoring a bad grade.
The first thing that comes to mind for me is consequences. Yet I want to motivate my child, not just punish them, so what do I do?
How about when that child is you, and you mess something up? How do you motivate yourself to change—do you give yourself consequences?
Very often, when we get angry at ourselves or at others, this causes shame, which is a label on our or their being. The story we then tell ourselves is, “I’m bad and I’m messed up”, instead of, “I made a mistake and did something bad”.
Personally, with my child I try to wait until I’m no longer upset, and then we have a discussion as to what the consequences are. I’ll remind them to step up to the plate and not mess up in the future, while truly doing everything I can to not label them or cause them to label themselves.
Yet when it comes to myself, I’m much less forgiving. I often speak extremely poorly to myself, while giving myself all types of negative labels, which never motivates me to change the behavior.
So, I’m asking you, how do you motivate yourself or others to change without shaming or labeling?
What I have been doing lately is being gentle with myself. When the negative voice comes up, I make sure to speak to myself kindly, while reminding myself that it isn’t okay to mess up, yet it doesn’t mean I am messed up.
This week, treat yourself and your loved ones just as you would want others to treat you.
